Dear Diary Nº6

Ground control to Major Tom – The defrag mix

You know something is wrong when you have no desire to listen to music. When music just doesn’t enter into your consciousness and you don’t even care. Not a hint of a note. No beats to beat with your heart. A dark and silenced mind; a moribund mind. Zombie silence.

Oh to be at peace with myself, at one with who I am, comfortable in my skin and comfortable with my achievements. Positively negative and optimistically pessimistic; the glass being half full of half emptiness. Spinning wildly in a circle Dervish like as the plughole beckons. A cloud of torment hangs over me. I have this constant feeling that my finger is hovering over a self destruct button.

That was how I felt about six or eight weeks ago. Over those recent weeks it could be said that I’ve gone through a defrag, a refresh and then a reboot. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to stop the world, get off think about me and my situation. I took myself off on my own and spent some time working through my thoughts and feelings. I made notes, I created a mind map of my thoughts to try and make some sense of it all. And then got back on again and quite honestly I feel quite refreshed by the whole experience. It hasn’t been easy, and at times it’s been downright painful as I wrestled with my own feelings of self-doubt, self-esteem, self-worth and what I perceived to be my inadequacies.

I’ve struggled all my life with low self esteem but I decided to struggle no more. I’ve now come to the conclusion that there are some things I’m good at and some things I’m not quite so good at, and few things that I’m just not suited to at all, and that’s okay. I have also recognised that others see value in things that I do when I don’t. I’m now prepared to accept that, as they are often in the majority, it could be that they are actually right! I have mixed feelings about loving myself though that has to be said. I continue with that struggle.

I have in the past feared the person I wanted to be. The person I am. The real me. But I fear that no longer. I’m not there yet but I truly am becoming me.

Seems to me that the first thing you have to do to start being a predominantly content person is to be honest with yourself. That’s harder than you might think. It’s not about reinforcing opinions about yourself that have clearly brought you to the position you are in. It’s about discovering the real you. The real deep down hidden you. A you that you may well not want to recognise or own up to.

You can’t measure your own problems against someone else’s when you are down and depressed. It doesn’t seem to work that way. Well not for me anyway. And it doesn’t matter that what is a problem to some is a challenge or exciting or enjoyable to others. Problems come in all shapes and sizes. And they arrive when you are least expecting them, often showing no mercy. Or so it would appear.

I say sorry a lot. I’m always apologising for something. Basically I’m to blame for most things or that’s how I’ve always perceived it in the past. But no more.

My mind mapping has certainly helped me reach some conclusions that I sort of knew in part. A main focus in my life is that I want to create. I want to create as often as I’m able. To put my thoughts and feelings into words and images is both therapeutic and fulfilling. Sometimes it can also be painful. But I look upon that as useful; no pain no gain.

I can’t claim to have all the answers. But I think I at least know what questions to ask and how to regulate my cranial modus operandi

I got to the stage where I felt that other people wanted to control me; them knowing what was best for me and desiring to pull me this way and that. You can kick against the world for so long. But then you realise that it’s less painful to just stop. Even if it’s just for some respite. Paradoxically whilst learning to be me I’ve also learned to relax about sometimes going with the flow. Learning to go with the flow is not easy for someone like me who is essentially a control freak. But it helps at times. Going with the flow could be seen as a weakness, a betrayal or a lie. But it’s none of these. It’s about being realistic.

Compared with many I am very fortunate. Some would look at me and think that I have a nice life. And in many ways I do. Of course these things are relative. Nice should never be mistaken for fulfilment. Living a fulfilled life is an honourable goal for anyone to seek to attain. Isn’t it?

I’ve never been good with the illogical. But I’m learning to accept that logic isn’t everyone’s forte

The great thing about my map is that I have no idea where it’s leading me. I love my map. I’m a traveller on a journey. I have reference points on my map but no destination, no direction known, save death of course. Death the only real journeys end. I’m cool with that. I don’t fear death.

Meanwhile I continue to create. It brings me a measure of happiness. And occasionally a little pain. Thankfully though when I’m deep in thought and deep in my work I mostly feel happy. Happy and free.

I have no intention of sharing my mind map with you but the image on this blog posting is an artist’s impression.

Most of the time now I feel on the up. There are those inexplicably down days still but they are becoming few and far between thankfully. NHS Wellbeing has been a great help in my adjustment as well as my own determination. As I’ve learned, eventually you have to face your fears; you have to make that solo jump as it were.

Life tag – The Jam – Going Underground