Soup rules okay

Etiquette and manners are all very fine but there is only one rule that matters when it comes to soup, and that’s to do with an accompaniment, bread. Bread and soup go together so well. And the bread you choose will vary depending on the type of soup. But there is one crime so heinous that it should never ever be contemplated. That crime is to put butter or margarine on the bread. It is fine to dip your bread in soup, or to mop up the last soup dregs lurking in the bowl with some bread, but you should never ever put any spread on your bread!

Ham sandwich rules

Your common or garden ham sandwich is a tricky blighter. I’m sure many of you have lost countless hours of sleep worry over the correct condiment to apply to this humble pork based snack, not wishing to show your ignorance and become a social pariah. Well folks help is at hand. I can reveal the answers to the ham sandwich vis a vis condiment conundrum. There are really only two condiments that should ever be applied to the ham sandwich; they are mustard and piccalilli. Obviously not applied together as that would be just plain silly, either/or.

Interestingly if you were to deconstruct the ham sandwich and eat it as ham on a plate with bread and butter the only legitimate condiment would be brown sauce. The same obviously applies to ham, egg and chips; brown sauce and brown sauce only. Hope that’s clear.

How to eat fish fingers

Apart from my fourteen year sojourn as a vegetarian, fish fingers have been one of my favourite comfort foods. They have been so for as long as I can remember. And, before you ask as a vegetarian I didn’t eat fish. Vegetarians don’t eat fish. If you eat fish you most certainly ain’t a vegetarian. My all time favourite comfort food is baked beans on toast by the way. But back to the matter in hand. For as long as I can remember I’ve been eating them ‘Paul’s special way’.

‘Paul’s special way’ requires that the breadcrumb coating be surgically removed totally from the fish, ideally in one piece. Once removed the coating is piled up neatly on the plate. The fish and any accompaniments are consumed with gusto. When all but the breadcrumb coating is gone it is time for the finalé, the pièce de résistance. Slowly eat the golden goodness, savouring every mouthful of scrummy scrumptiousness.

Fish finger skins – the most fun you can have with your clothes on!

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I am reminded of a story my lady tells of the days when she was a social worker. One afternoon she made a visit to a client who was not originally from the UK. The woman offered my lady a cup of tea, an offer my lady was happy to accept. Along with the cup of tea the ‘host’ presented my lady with a plate of fish fingers as if they were biscuits. Clearly the poor woman had heard of the British fondness for afternoon tea but hadn’t quite got the full story. Something lost in translation obviously.

When to drink tea or coffee

There are rules in life that dictate how you behave in certain circumstances or the way you conduct yourself. These rules are unwritten. You either instinctively know what they are or you don’t. They are based on logic. Those of us that know appear to be in the minority. Many, many people struggle with this logic. Get a grip you lot! 

Being the public minded citizen that I am I from time to time impart this crucial information via this blog. Today’s public service announcement is about when to drink tea or coffee:

• First drink of the day – this should be tea. No compromises here, tea and only tea. Ideally two cups before any other drink is even considered.
• Breakfast – it is acceptable to drink coffee
• Mid-morning – coffee
• Lunch – coffee, unless you are having fish ‘n chips when it should be tea, or when having a pub lunch
• After lunch – it’s perfectly acceptable to have a coffee after you lunch as long as it remains within the immediate post-lunch time frame
• Mid-afternoon – tea only. Coffee at this point would be a faux pas extraordinaire!
• Dinner – I would only ever recommend beer or a soft drink unless, again, you are having fish ‘n chips.
• After dinner – coffee would always be the first choice
• The rest of the evening/night – tea
• Supper – tea, a mug of cocoa or camomile
• If in doubt you should always drink tea as this is the default beverage
• At any point in the day tea or coffee can be replaced by alcohol (yes I have had beer for breakfast!). The one exception is the first drink of the day which, just to recap, must be tea.
• From lunchtime onwards it is perfectly acceptable to drink soft drinks. Fruit juice as an addition is perfectly acceptable at breakfast but does not replace coffee or tea at that meal.

There you have it an essential guide to help you keep on the straight and narrow. How have you ever managed without it?