Saturday 24 May 2014

Ex Libris

On another positive note I’ve started to read again. It’s mostly poetry and books of essays etc. Short reads. But it’s a start. It feels good.

I’ve returned to borrowing books from the library. I’d forgotten how I like the serendipitous nature of, what I imagine to be, other peoples bookmarks that one comes across from time to time in library books. On borrowing books from our library one gets a printed receipt. It contains the book title and the date it is due back. I tend to use these receipts as my bookmark and it seems that others do too judging by how often I find them tucked in books. It’s wonderful seeing what, often incongruous selections people have made; a bit like looking in other people’s trolleys at supermarkets and contemplating their lifestyles.

I currently have on loan an interesting book which is predominantly about the R&B music scene on the legendary Eel Pie Island, a collection of essays entitled, The British Beat Explosion/Rock ‘N’ Roll Island. It’s a damned fine read, I’d recommend it. In it I found the receipt below:

What kind of person reads stuff about Mexican drug cartels, British R&B and Chas & Dave? I’d love to meet such a person. Perhaps only once. But they are intriguing indeed!

Wednesday 21 May 2014

Dear Diary Nº6

Ground control to Major Tom – The defrag mix

You know something is wrong when you have no desire to listen to music. When music just doesn’t enter into your consciousness and you don’t even care. Not a hint of a note. No beats to beat with your heart. A dark and silenced mind; a moribund mind. Zombie silence.

Oh to be at peace with myself, at one with who I am, comfortable in my skin and comfortable with my achievements. Positively negative and optimistically pessimistic; the glass being half full of half emptiness. Spinning wildly in a circle Dervish like as the plughole beckons. A cloud of torment hangs over me. I have this constant feeling that my finger is hovering over a self destruct button.

That was how I felt about six or eight weeks ago. Over those recent weeks it could be said that I’ve gone through a defrag, a refresh and then a reboot. I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to stop the world, get off think about me and my situation. I took myself off on my own and spent some time working through my thoughts and feelings. I made notes, I created a mind map of my thoughts to try and make some sense of it all. And then got back on again and quite honestly I feel quite refreshed by the whole experience. It hasn’t been easy, and at times it’s been downright painful as I wrestled with my own feelings of self-doubt, self-esteem, self-worth and what I perceived to be my inadequacies.

I’ve struggled all my life with low self esteem but I decided to struggle no more. I’ve now come to the conclusion that there are some things I’m good at and some things I’m not quite so good at, and few things that I’m just not suited to at all, and that’s okay. I have also recognised that others see value in things that I do when I don’t. I’m now prepared to accept that, as they are often in the majority, it could be that they are actually right! I have mixed feelings about loving myself though that has to be said. I continue with that struggle.

I have in the past feared the person I wanted to be. The person I am. The real me. But I fear that no longer. I’m not there yet but I truly am becoming me.

Sunday 11 May 2014

Braless and bible slack

I want to go gently into that good night,
I am old and I rage and burn at close of day;
My, rage hopes for the dying of my light.

Saturday 3 May 2014

Oranges and lemons

I've uploaded a new t-shirt design.

Be the first on your street to wear this t-shirt. Buy one today!

Thursday 1 May 2014

Paul models a little white number...

...or is it Mr Gumby?
It's probably very vain of me but i love seeing images i've created in print and today it was extra thrilling because i took delivery of this t-shirt with one of my designs on. I'm very pleased indeed. So much so that i will be uploading more designs for printing.

If you would like to order one for yourself you can find details here.